Someone Bib Me

Cripes.

I'm sitting in my office behind closed doors waiting for my shirt to dry. I can't eat anything without it dripping onto my shirt (aka shelf.)

It's a CURSE!

World's Smallest Political Quiz

For shits and giggles, check this out.

www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html

Looks like I'm a solid libertarian. I thought for sure I'd be more of a centrist since I'm so wishy-washy on my views. Definitely not a conservative. Definitely not. No, no, no. I make left turns only.

WWJD?

No, not Jesus, what would Jim do? Jim, as in Jim Morrison.

I'm talking about Rapture Riders, a remixed, mash-up project by self-proclaimed producer, DJ and remixer, Mark Vidler, from across the pond. I heard this for the first time this morning as I was transporting Joonya to school. My favorite college-like radio station, 91.3 The Summit, was playing it. I apologize if this is old news, but it threw me.

You can hear the song here.

Two reactions. First, I instantly cooed and said, "Yeah, Rapture! I haven't heard this in a long time!" Then I paused and thought, "Hey wait, there's a dance beat. Holy frijoles! That's the Doors! It's Riders on the Storm!"

Meanwhile, Joonya is bopping his head up and down to the beat, rockin' out. As I was singing along to Blondie's breakthrough rap, he says, "Mom, do you know this song?" I laughed and said yes, and explained how it's a remix of two classics, or as he likes to remind us of time and again, old-fashioned songs. He then says that he really likes the song and wants to hear it more. Reaction number two: I was pleased. But why?

I can't imagine what Jim would think. Is he reeling in his Paris grave because they've turned his music into dance club drivel? (Is he even in that grave? lol) Were the remaining members of the Doors consulted?

Sidebar: I have (or had) Ray Manzarek's home phone number. Yes I do (did). And I would call. And hang up. (laugh) My first job out of college was working for a very well known finance conglomerate and I collected on private label credit cards. The store I collected on was well-known on the east and west coasts, mostly in NYC and LA. During slow times, I looked up famous people's credit accounts. I knew exactly how many bras his wife bought, which was a lot, and that he liked a certain designer when shopping for clothes. I was in awe at what he and his wifed charged every month. Royalties are a good thing, my friends. Maybe I should call him and ask him what he thinks.

Chris Stein, co-leader of Blondie, eventually got involved and got the track cleared for a legal, official release. (cha-ching!) In any case, today, I'm conflicted. I liked the song, I think. I'm slave to the beat. Two classics are unionized and resurrected for a new generation to dig. On so many levels this marriage is wrong, but on the flipside, the old becomes new again.

Have I spat on the grave of Jim Morrison?

Mitch All Together

Yesterday, while doing some very menial work, I had the pleasure of listening to contempory comic, Mitch Hedberg, and his CD titled "Mitch All Together." Techtard brought this to me a few weeks ago and said that I should listen because it's right up my alley, and indeed, she was right. I've only known of Mitch through Techtard, mostly because of his untimely death. I understand now why it was such a sad day for his fans. I don't keep up much with the comic circuit, mainly because I'm in bed by 9 or 10 p.m. and miss all of the late night talk shows. In Mitch's case, better late than never.

So yesterday I decided that I'd listen while passing the time, folding and stapling a print project. He had me in stitches. His delivery is outstanding. His observations of the obvious are subtle and wry. Here are some of my favorite lines, compliments of his many fans on the Internet.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What," and turn my head slightly.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be yourself."

My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I did not know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says, "Let me have that," you better give it to him. "I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

Ya know, I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I. "
"Let's form a club."
"Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation."
"Yes we do."
"Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again."
"Yeah, four triangles. "
"And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for them."

Married to an Old Bat

Joonya comes home with an assignment from school. He is to ask me a series of questions for a supposed Mother's Day project. The three of us sit down at the table and he proceeds to ask me his questions while my husband interjects his smart-ass comments after all of my answers.

Where was I born: NE Ohio [hillbilly nation]
Profession: Higher ed marketing
How old am I: 37, I'll be 38 in June [snicker] (he's 2 years younger than me)
Favorite color: Yellow [Yellow? Isn't that what old ladies like?]
Favorite TV Show: That's easy, The West Wing [eye roll]
Favorite things to do: Play baseball with Joonya, cuddle with Joonya [more eye rolling]
Things I don't like: Folding clothes [nodding in agreement]
Favorite song: Miracles by Jefferson Starship [full-blown laughter] (yes, it came out in 1975)

Meanwhile, Joonya is complaining if I give longer than a two-word answer because he doesn't want to write it all down. I'm so looking forward to this Mother's Day project from Joonya.

Apparently I'm old. It's an ongoing joke between DaHubs and I, but lately I'm beginning to see (and feel) that I am getting old.

For example, I can't wait for menopause. I am so over this period thing. I'm ready for it to be done. And I look forward to hormone replacement therapy. I always wanted a mustache and matching sideburns.

Update: May 4
I dig the above picture of my post title, Old Bat. I can only hope that when I'm homeless and destitute that I have the moxie to wear killer duds and smoke only best $1.15 cigars. Y'all should know that. She's got it goin' on.

JMR = Schmuck

I am a schmuck.

I had one of those days that just went horribly wrong from the get go. On one hand, I spoke my mind and for a change, that felt pretty good. That's schmuck scenario #1. Truth can be powerful. Truth can also be humbling. But still, I'm left feeling like a schmuck.

Schmuck scenario #2 involves my pathetic need for attention, even when it's not warranted. Why I do this is beyond me. I like to be included, even when I have no business being there. I'm like the kid trying to be included in a conversation who blurts things out that make little sense to those involved, yet I feel as though I'm the coolest person around. No, JMR, you're a schmuck.

I'm owning up to my schmuckness.

If you're reading this and thinking, "Oh yeah, I know what she's talking about. I know her schmuckness," I apologize for my schmuck-like ways. I will try to do better.

Being a schmuck is no fun.

The Final West Wings

It's no secret that my favorite show on TV is The West Wing. My parents would be so disappointed to know that I favor the democratic party far more than the republican party. I hide this fact from them. I'm a closet democrat. I think GW is a moron and sadly, my parents idolize him. It's a good thing we live 60 miles apart. Since my dad's retirement, he's become more and more of a staunch republican and to my despair, listening to him spew on and on is worse than listening to Rush Limbaugh. And yes, Fox News is on 24/7 at their house. Bah.

I'm saddened to know that this is the last season for The West Wing. It's become a staple in my television diet for six years. I was heart broken when John Spencer died (Leo McGarry) and was somewhat disappointed that there wasn't more done in the show to celebrate his character. I think Sorkin and Co. did the best they could with the story line considering McGarry died at the height of the Santos-Vinick campaign, but still, I sulk. I don't want the show to end.

So that's all I have to say today. There are only two more episodes left. The West Wing's ending is right up there with the final episodes of Seinfeld, Cheers and Frazier. It was a good run, and it will be missed.

Sidebar: By the way, I voted this morning for our school levy. When asked my party, I said nonpartisan. In my heart, I'm a democrat, yet, because of my upbringing, I can't admit I play for the other side. Sigh.