Mitch All Together

Yesterday, while doing some very menial work, I had the pleasure of listening to contempory comic, Mitch Hedberg, and his CD titled "Mitch All Together." Techtard brought this to me a few weeks ago and said that I should listen because it's right up my alley, and indeed, she was right. I've only known of Mitch through Techtard, mostly because of his untimely death. I understand now why it was such a sad day for his fans. I don't keep up much with the comic circuit, mainly because I'm in bed by 9 or 10 p.m. and miss all of the late night talk shows. In Mitch's case, better late than never.

So yesterday I decided that I'd listen while passing the time, folding and stapling a print project. He had me in stitches. His delivery is outstanding. His observations of the obvious are subtle and wry. Here are some of my favorite lines, compliments of his many fans on the Internet.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What," and turn my head slightly.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be yourself."

My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."

I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I did not know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says, "Let me have that," you better give it to him. "I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."

Ya know, I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I. "
"Let's form a club."
"Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation."
"Yes we do."
"Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again."
"Yeah, four triangles. "
"And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for them."