Crushing Blow

I had a few spare moments today and I was able to catch up on some of my favorite blogs. NoDak Mark had a couple of entries about his place of employment known as "The Company" and his company's product, "The Widget." Reading Mark's entries was like looking back on my week last week. It was hell, people, hell.

Mark - I feel your pain and completely know where you are coming from. Going beyond the call of duty for the greater good, because you believe in what you do, just doesn't pay off. And you end up getting beat down like a red-headed stepchild the first time you screw up, and all the hard work you've done before that mistake, is forgotten. I know exactly what you're talking about. My sympathies, my man, my sympathies.

Like Mark's second post, where he claims he'll never bring home the drudgeries of his work day again, I, too, plan to leave the stresses of the day behind, packed tightly inside the four gray walls that surround me daily for about 9-10 hours. It's just not worth it.

No one ever said on their deathbed, "I wish I had spent more time at the office."

Last week my spirit was broken. As much as I had said to myself, "No, no, I don't have any expectations of a promotion," secretly, I was hoping. It's been done before for other people, why not me? I certainly performed well, I exceeded expectations, I put my heart and soul into that project, yet, once again, ONCE AGAIN, I was overlooked. For someone who had no expectations, I sure was disappointed.

So I ended up in the middle of a firestorm that drained every ounce of functionality out of me. I basically put an end to my role in "said project" because, one, I fulfilled my obligation, in fact, I did more than fulfill it, I saw it through from beginning to end without compensation, without praise and with TONS of headaches and unpaid overtime. And two, if I continue to do all the work behind the scenes, why will they bother finding someone else to run the project? Enter JMR, enter cheap labor. Sigh.

So blogging has become light as I try to reevaluate my role here at "The Company" and force myself into realization that things won't change for me. Surprisingly, it's not been too hard. Perhaps all that nonwishful thinking paid off. Resolution is a comforting thing at times. But it's also damaging to the psyche.

My mantra lately has been "Manage Your Emotions and Thrive Under Pressure." Well, I'm doing my best to alleviate the pressure by simply stepping back and saying, "No." And as for managing my emotions, hey, I've got that under control too. I've managed to be a bitch. I've managed to be a whining baby. I've managed to be disappointed. Yep, I'm managing all of that pretty darn well.

I want my spirit back. I want to believe again.

I realize that I put too much time and effort into my job, far more than I'm compensated for. But just how much can, or should, one person take? To be as cliche'esque as possible, I've painted myself into a corner and it's time to either piss or get off the pot. Either I stay and be resolved to my fate here, or, I update my resume and start looking for greener pastures. It's something I'll struggle with for the next several months. And you, my faithful blog readers (yes, all two of you) will have to deal with me.